Love Games

You know when you are younger and you watch all those rom-coms and read all those books and you think you have love figured out? Then you realize that isn't real life and you move onto reading every magazine, blog, internet article, and you think those are legit and that you finally have love figured out? And then you realize that isn't real life either and you just sit down and think, "Shit."

Yea, well, shit guys. Dating is hard. Everyone comes in with their own baggage and it is hard to gauge whether the good outweighs the bad. And then in the end hurtful things are said and you're left moping about thinking about all the terrible things that just happened and thinking that you're going to die alone.

I know what you're thinking. "Hey, Marie? Stop throwing yourself a pity party and get over it. You were dating two guys at the same time, "living the dream" of a 20-something-year-old while you still could and then it didn't work out. Boo-hoo."

Fine, internet friends! You are so mean and expect so much from me! I'm just bummed because the "front-runner" (god I'm such a terrible person - maybe he is right and I am selfish?) didn't work out. I really thought something real could happen with him, so I told the other guy that I wanted to just be friends because I wanted to try the real deal with this other dude. And then reality slapped me right in the face, really hard, and left a huge red mark...on my heart....

Too much?
Ugh, fine. Nothing gets past you.

But really, I thought that I was ready to start something with him. I've known him forever, we've danced around the dating issue for a long time, he doesn't take my bullshit, he is reeeeeally sexy, and we always had incredible chemistry, but instead of creating something amazing like penicillin or oxygen, we created SARS. Are any of those things made using chemistry? Errrrr....aaaaanyway...

Sure, there were red flags, but there always are and I have a tendency to give up before even trying because I overthink everything and for once I thought, "Stop thinking of the cookie cutter life you think you want and just be." Well, that did not work. We had two great dates and then moved on to fighting and miscommunicating about, um, EVERYTHING. I think that chemistry that was so appealing in the beginning was just full-on rage bubbling under the surface, which - newsflash - does not make a great foundation for any relationship. He thinks I'm immature and childish and I think he's stubborn and mean. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

When I was in high-school, and I broke up with a boyfriend I would torture myself and go through all my old shoeboxes filled with memorabilia, bake a cake, eat said cake, cry myself to sleep, and replay every awful interaction over and over again in my head. I'm an adult now, so I had to wake up and go to work, but in between checking things off on my to-do list, I'm sitting here, replaying every awful interaction, being sad, and thinking about the huge bottle glass of wine I will be drinking later tonight while I celebrate my friends' birthdays.

Have you ever tried to fit a heart-shaped peg into a square-shaped hole? Tell me I'm not alone!
xoxo
mc